Is Brock Lesnar Causing Shane Carwin a Minor “Mono” Nuclear Catastrophe?

by Stoker MacIntosh… According to the Ultimate Fighting Championship’s No. 1 heavyweight contender, Shane Carwin, on his official website, his scheduled Jan. 2010 fight with current UFC heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar has now become a somewhat confusing “vision quest” rather than an actual reality.

Although no official word is currently available as to the status of the UFC’s heavyweight champion Lesnar or his current condition, since the rumor first broke, he has been accused of having everything from HIV to H1N1.

Now, according to many highly unreliable sources, Lesnar is said to be suffering from mononucleosis, an illness which is often spread by saliva and at one point during the ’70s and ’80s was well known and contagious among teenagers, and therefore dubbed “the kissing disease.”

Carwin voices his frustration on his Internet site in his recent entry:

“Guys my manager Jason Genet just told me that UFC 108 is not happening. Brock has Mono and what the UFC has told me is that I have earned the title shot but I have to wait for the title holder.

“I hope Brock gets well soon. I highly suggest he get into a Max Muscle store because they have the best advice and supplements to support that advice. It really is the only way to make it through the grueling weather and training we live through.

“Here’s to spending some time with the family and eating as much as I can at Thanksgiving.

“Thanks to my amazing sponsors Max Muscle, Beaver Buzz Energy, PerformanceMMA, Nightrider Jewelry, MTX Audio, and Warrior Wear. ”

—Shane

Unfortunately, not a lot is known about the 34-year-old from Greeley, Colorado, and other than the fact that he is undefeated through 11 fights, six by knockout, only one of Carwin’s past wins can be considered “high-profile.”

That one was his extremely impressive “back from the brink” knockout—after being wobbled and tossed to the mat—by Gabriel Gonzaga at UFC 96 last March.

Carwin remained calm, weathered the early storm from Gonzaga, and with one short right-hand punch to the chin ended the night for the highly touted Brazilian contender.

If it is true that patience is a virtue, and pride is one of humanity’s greatest emotions, then it goes without saying that Mr. Carwin has an obvious, healthy abundance of both.

Let’s be honest, Carwin certainly has not made a large amount of cash for his past prizefighting endeavors, so this upcoming fight with Lesnar could easily be compared to someone awarding him a large monetary paycheck and then demanding he not spend a dime of it.

Any normal heavyweight cage fighter in this precarious position would undoubtedly be confused, angered, and certainly frustrated, to say the least.

Yet not only does he seem unshaken, stirred, or even fizzed by the current events surrounding Lesnar, Carwin is also extremely polite and even wishes Lesnar well and bids him a quick and speedy recovery.

Carwin, in demonstrating his respect for Lesnar, is saying a lot about himself as a person and an athlete. He seems to possess the qualities necessary to become a success in any future endeavor he should embark on.

Self-discipline, courage, honesty, and hard work: These are the qualities of a true champion, and I wish Carwin luck and hope he gets his long-awaited title shot, because if he didn’t deserve it before, he certainly does now.

Hang in there, Carwin. All good things come to those who wait.

Ritters Rant: Hull of Fame, Leafs Notes, Forsberg’s Return, Got $10,000?

By Mark “The Hard Hitter” Ritter… Don’t look now, but with points in each of their last seven games, the Leafs, dare I say, are hot. Goaltender Jonas “The Monster” Gustavsson is a big reason for the turnaround, but a lot of credit has to go to head coach Ron Wilson, who, in the face of adversity, kept this squad from going off the deep end. Nice job coach, maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to play a little dodge ball after all!

Did anyone else notice how much Bobby and Brett Hull look alike these days? With all due respect, it doesn’t look as if Brett has missed many buffets since his retirement!

It’s inevitable. The Chicago Blackhawks will have to make some very difficult decisions in the offseason. One or more of Kris Versteeg, Cam Barker, Brent Seabrook, and/or Dustin Byfuglien will have to be shipped off this season or the Hawks risk losing some great players for nothing in the offseason. Who would you ship out?

And the best power play in the NHL belongs to? The Toronto Maple Leafs? To be fair, the Leafs sit atop the NHL in this category alongside the Philadelphia Flyers, both teams own a 26.6% success rate. I can see the Flyers being there, but who’da thunk the Leafs would be there?

Worst penalty kill in the NHL? Once again, at 73.0 percent it’s the Toronto Male Leafs. Ok, so Wilson and his troops still have some work to do…

For the most part, NHL players are not vengeful people, but you gotta believe that when Calgary Flames defenseman caught Sean Avery (he of the “sloppy seconds” comment) with an open-ice hit in last nights match against the New York Rangers, it had to feel pretty good.

There is a lot of talk about Peter Forsberg making a return to the NHL. That’s all well and good, but exactly how long do you think it will be before his foot gives out and he’s on the extended Injured Reserve list? Forsberg was a great player, unfortunately he’s a train wreck now, teams should proceed with caution.

With a record of 8-0, the New Jersey Devils are the only NHL team that remains unbeaten on the road. Conversely, the Devils are 3-4 at Home…what’s up with that?

It was only a matter of time before the Winter Classic, an event that was supposedly created for the benefit of the Fans, became tainted. Rumor has it, any fan that wants to play a little shinny on the ice at Boston’s Fenway Park will have to pony up some $10,000 per hour. In a word, disgusting!

If Wayne Gretzky doesn’t show up to the Hall of Fame ceremonies it is the media that will have to take the brunt of the blame. Know doubt about it, Gretz wants to be there, but you just know if he shows the media will make it the “Gretzky vs. the NHL show” and Gretz doesn’t want to take away from the festivities.

“Mike Danton, the untold story”, will air on Sportsnet on Wednesday, November 11. One thing is for sure, Nick Kypreos (who will conduct the interview) won’t let Danton off easy, there is nothing soft about Kipper. If you followed Danton’s rise and fall, this is a can’t miss show.

Don’t look now, Philadelphia Flyers rookie forward James Van Riemsdyk is heating up and, with 14 points on the season, now sits tied for first overall in rookie scoring with Colorado Avalanche forward Ryan O’Reilly; JVR has arrived…

Congratulations go out to Steve Yzerman, Brett Hull, Brian Leetch, and Luc Robitaille, who will all be inducted into the NHL’s Hall of Fame Monday evening. Thanks for the memories, your legacy’s will never be forgotten.

Until next time,

Peace!

Raptors get crushed in Big D

Maple Leafs Dominate, Subdue Wings on The Way to The Cup

by Graeme Boyce… Despite their recent play, t’s going to take some time apparently before Red Wings fans realise it’s not about a bad bounce or bad call, it’s about which direction the team is heading.  In the case of their drubbing at the hands of the Maple Leafs, it was obvious the Toronto team had suddenly turned a corner and is heading upward, really.

The so-called Hall of Fame Game proved statistics prove nothing.  Essentially, the better team won, again.  The Leafs were faster, and more accurate, with and without the puck; they hit with relish, they blocked shots like pros, cleared rebounds quickly and stopped the puck from getting behind The Monster all night long.

Indeed, the Wings veteran Osgood had been on a roll lately; now with the result in hand, maybe he was tired, or given his greatness, he just had a bad night.  When neither Pavel Datsyuk nor Henrik Zetterberg, arguably two of the league’s most formidable players who were coupled and played on the same line, could register a point against the Leafs, something has changed.

Most definitely.  After all, playoff-bound Detroit signed Todd Bertuzzi in the off-season, and rely on Kirk Maltby to provide some requisite truculence these days.   Two teams passed each other in the night last night, one going up and the other going down.

The Toronto Maple Leafs took a lead, built the lead and held the lead to win.  Yes, Detroit is a team in decline, but that is no excuse for the tremendous effort displayed by the Leafs, and on the heels of their victory in Raleigh the night previous.  And so with only two wins under their belt going into Saturday night’s game, the odds did not favour Kessel & Co.

Kessel bounced back after a brief slump against Carolina and popped in first goal as a Leaf, with authority, after a shot by Blake had snuck through and was inching toward the line when Kessel smacked it into the twine.  He is inspiring, and refreshing.

Again, the single-most critical factor for the win was in fact between the pipes: Jonas Gustavsson.  He was both solid and spectacular, and dared Detroit’s vaunted offense to shoot.  Speaking of shooting and with authority, I thought Wayne Primeau scored a nice goal, a great shot off the wing, from a nice feed I might add from Colton Orr.

Gustavsson was peppered with 36 shots, and his goals against average improved, rather dramatically, as did his save percentage.   Maple Leafs fans have witnessed a transformation of the team, of a gelling, from idle threats and empty promises to the product of goals, and the chemistry is delivering points, having now rewarded fans with a point in each of their last 7 games.  Magic!

Predictably then, by garnering a few more points over the next week, the team leaps ahead of divisional powerhouses Florida and Atlanta, and will soon enough challenge Montreal and Boston in the Northeast, and dare I say Ottawa… and Buffalo.  Montreal has lost 9 games already.  Boston and the Leafs have lost 7, as have the Rangers.

Playing another great game after returning, Finger delivered a long-overdue goal with a great shot in the upper corner while attacking the net.  (Yes, I dispute the commentator’s call that it might have been deflected.)  As well, hopefully Komiserak did not bruise his hip too badly after colliding with the boards, as his threatening presence is clearly resounding.  Despite an admittedly rocky start, he is making a serious impact, and obviously on several levels.

Minnesota and Chicago are up next.  The latter have lost 5, while the former have lost 10 already.

Als Rout Argos In Finale

by Jeremy Visser… In an all-around ugly season, the Argos saved perhaps their worst performance for last. Despite resting several starters with the playoffs looming, the Montreal Alouettes took command early and romped to a 42-17 win in Saturday’s season finale at Rogers Centre.

The Alouettes, with backup quarterback Anthony McPherson starting in place of the league’s top passer, Anthony Calvillo, scored on their first three possessions and took a 26-4 lead to halftime. McPherson was near flawless all afternoon, completing 16-of-20 passes for 151 yards and two touchdowns before giving way to third-stringer Chris Leak to start the fourth quarter. McPherson also ran for 55 yards.

For the Argos, it was only a fitting end to a season of frustration. Even so, head coach Bart Andrus had positive things to say about his squad after the game.

“I told them how much they persevered throughout this year,” Andrus said of his post-game speech. “The way they came to work, their professionalism — this is a good group of people.

“When you have a group that works as has as they work, it’s just a matter of time before positive things begin to happen.”

Of course, time will tell if Andrus is around to witness a possible turnaround. He declined to comment after the game regarding his future and the future of the franchise as a whole. After a 3-15 campaign and with talk of the team potentially being sold, Andrus is as good a bet as anyone not to be back in 2010.

With little more to play for than pride, Andrus handed the starting quarterback duties for the finale to rookie Stephen Reaves. The southpaw struggled from the get-go in his first CFL start, overthrowing Brad Smith on Toronto’s opening possession for an interception that led to a Damon Duval field goal. In all, Reaves threw four picks and had another negated by a roughing-the-passer penalty.

“It was tough,” Reaves said afterward. “I pressed too much. I have to do a better job of taking what the defense gives me. I’d love to have a few of those back. Overall, a tough day against a tough defense.”

Reaves wasn’t the only Argo to slip up on an error-filled day. Andre Durie returned a first quarter kick 104 yards for an apparent touchdown, only to have it called back because of an unnecessary roughness call on Raymond Fontaine. Earlier in the quarter, long snapper Etienne Legare airmailed a snap to Justin Medlock, resulting in a turnover and an 18-yard McPherson touchdown pass to Kerry Walkins one play later.

Running back Jamal Robertson scored Toronto’s only touchdown on a one-yard run late in the third quarter but struggled horribly the rest of the afternoon, finishing with negative six yards on five carries. The Argos finished with zero rushing yards as a team.

If it’s true that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, then the Argos will have something to take from this nightmarish season. Durie, for one, suggested the team gained mental toughness that will provide an important boost in the future.

“We’re looking forward to more stability next year,” he said after the game. “Every championship team goes through losing, and we had a lot of it this year. We all stayed mentally strong though, and we’ll take that into next season for sure.”

Perhaps the biggest thing that will come from Saturday’s loss is closure. And with that, a fresh start.

“I’ll go to bat with these guys anytime,” linebacker Zeke Moreno said after the game. “I’d love to come back next year and see no new faces. We have the talent and the potential.”

The NBA Vs. The NHL

By Adam “Sully” Sullivan… I figure that with the shape the United States is in right now, it’s only a matter of time before we lose one of the four major North American sports leagues. I’m not saying this will happen tomorrow, or even at all, but it’s a risk. Now we all know that the NFL and MLB aren’t going anywhere, so really it will probably be either the NBA or the NHL if it happens.

I hate the fricken NBA. Let me just get that out there from the get-go so there is no question of my bias against pro basketball. The first three quarters in an NBA basketball game do not matter in the least. It’s like that bullshit show Family Feud where no matter how much ass a family is kicking, they still risk losing it all in the “Triple Round”. An NBA 4th quarter is a cheap knock-off of Family Feud’s “Triple Round.”

Then there’s the ridiculous pre-game ritual of everyone giving each other a ghetto hug. What. The. Fuck? Sports are about competition and wanting to win so bad that you would rip your opponent’s brain out of their skull if you had the technology. Apparently this isn’t the case in the NBA. Apparently in the NBA, everyone is good friends and they all play tag in the arena before the game.

I just realized that if I keep writing this rant I’m pretty much going to ruin the whole point of this post: An NBA/NHL comparison. If one of these leagues has to go, I believe the American people should consult this comparison before doing anything drastic. The point system is based on whatever the fuck I want and is as follows: The NBA is going to lose. If you are an NBA fan, go into this with no hope whatsoever…

1. Mullets VS Cornrows

The Mullet:

The Corn Row:

Result:

Both of these are retarded hair styles. One makes your head look like a 70’s porn actor’s bush and the other makes your head look like a heroin addict’s forearm. I’m going to have to give this one to the mullet because you can roll out of bed, run your hands through it a couple of times, and you’re good to go. With cornrows you need 4 hours of spare time and a loud, black aunt.

NHL +1

2. Extensive Padding VS. Sleeves on Only One Arm

NHL Shoulder Pads:

NBA Arm Sleeves:

Result: Can you even believe we have to do this? “This” being: Compare a sport like hockey to a “sport” like basketball? Hockey players go out on the ice decked head to toe in armor that would rival the baddest medieval knight, meanwhile basketball players shield themselves with…a sleeve…on one arm only. Jesus. Christ.

NHL +1

3. Missing Backcheck Support VS Missing Child Support Checks

Result: The cardinal sin for a forward in hockey is not hustling back to their zone on the backcheck. In basketball, the cardinal sin is paying out even a dime of support to your vast amounts of bastard children.

NHL +1

4. Bob Probert VS Latrell Sprewell

This is Bob Probert:

This is Latrell Sprewell:

Result: Bob Probert was arrested for cocaine possession and crashed his motorcycle while driving it drunk, both while still an active player in the NHL. In recent years he was also arrested for breach of peace, resisting arrest, and assaulting a police officer. On the ice he was just as dangerous. He fought NHL enforcer, Stu Grimson, 13 times. He once had a fight with Marty McSorley that lasted over 100 seconds. If you’re saying, “that doesn’t sound like a long time,” I encourage you to go stand on a sheet of ice and throw haymakers at a speed bag for 100 seconds.

Latrell Sprewell was a notorious choker and that’s saying nothing about his ability to perform in the clutch. It all began when he treated his coach, P.J. Carlesimo, like a $3 hooker choking him and shaking his body around violently. A couple years ago he was also charged with choking a 21-year-old female on his luxury yacht. Additionally, he was sued for $200 million in child support for four children. See? NBA Players don’ take care of their little bastards, I told you man. Sprewell is now broke and contemplating a return to the NBA.

Both of these guys are bat shit fucking bananas. It’s a tie.

Tie

5. Players That Look Like Old Lesbians VS Players That Look Like New Lesbians

Here’s some NHL players that look like old lesbians…

Now here are some NBA players that look like new lesbians:

Result: In the game of lesbian doppelgangers, no one wins.

Tie

6. Puck Bunnies VS The WNBA

Here are some puck bunnies aka NHL groupies:

Here are some WNBA “women”:

Result: First of all, I’m pretty sure that last one is Tracy Morgan in drag. Anyways, the puck bunnies win this one easily. The NBA has Eva Longoria. Big deal. The NHL has Hilary Duff, Elisha Cuthbert, and Rachel Hunter.

NHL +1

7. Sean Avery VS. Dennis Rodman

This is Sean Avery

This is Dennis Rodman (click for enlarged version):

Result: Sean Avery is The Pest. Dennis Rodman was The Worm. Tremendously flattering nicknames, I know. Avery is famous for getting in the faces of goaltenders, pissing off opponents, and ridiculing his peers publicly.

Dennis Rodman is famous for grabbing rebounds and being a general weirdo freak. He got married in a woman’s wedding dress. He also has a ton of tattoos and piercings, and once wrestled in the WCW. Yes, that is Karl Malone in the ring with him in that picture.

Both of these men are utterly repulsive. Tie Again.

Tie

8. Penalties VS. Fouls

Here’s what an NHL penalty looks like:

Now let’s take a look at an NBA foul:

Result: One of these things looks like a massive wreck of carnage and blood and guts; the other one looks like what a 7th grader does to a 5th grader before he takes his lunch.

Look at the pain in Kobe’s eyes while that other guy slaps his elbow. What a pussy. Now look at Martin Erat getting his face grated between a 200-pound man on skates and his own shoulder blade.

When NBA players get fouled, they have tears in their eyes. When NHL players are the victims of a penalty, they have blood in their eyes.

NHL +1

9. NHL Fights VS NBA “Fights”

Observe an NHL fight:

Okay now here’s a link to an NBA fight because they are so rare I couldn’t even find one to embed in this post:

See the NBA “Fight” HERE

Result: Yeah that NBA one is about as rough as it gets (Palace of Auburn Hills fiasco notwithstanding). That Pacers/Pistons brawl is an outlier, and it doesn’t count since fans had to get in there and take matters into their own hands to see some fists fly. NBA fights are what I’d imagine two gymnastics teams mixing it up would be like. When your “sister” league is more violent than your own, you deserve negative points.

The NHL, on the other hand, is a ruthless bloodsport with no holds barred. It’s badass enough to be sponsored by Jean Claude Van Damme. In the video above, Nick Kypreos has his career ended during the course of one single fight. I could go through the spectrum of violence in the NHL, but there’s way too many things to link to. Just go explore on youtube.

NHL +1

Results

NHL 6-0.

If it has to be one or the other, please make it the NHL. It is SOOOOOO much better.