Kerry Collins? Really?

by Elisabeth Galina… *writer’s note: This started off as a joke. But the Titans refuse to play badly so enjoy this informative yet extremely boring piece about their quarterback.

Eli Manning. Brett Favre. Trent Edwards. Jason Campbell. Tom Brady. Kerry Collins? Huh? Who is this guy? And why is he leading the Tennessee Titans straight into the post-season.

Maybe it’s too early to talk playoffs but it’s not too early to dismiss the Tennessee Titans. All of a sudden the Titans are the team to beat in the AFC South. Recording their first 9-0 start in the history of the franchise, Tennessee could be well on their way to the Super Bowl. And it’s all because of some guy you completely forgot existed.

So who exactly, is Kerry Collins? “Oh, I remember that guy,” you’re thinking, “The dude who forgot he was an NFL quarterback during Super Bowl Thirty-Five.” Yeah, that’s Kerry Collins, who led the Giants to the Super Bowl in 2000, only to let his team and the city of New York down by letting his passer rating slip and handing the Ravens the win on a silver platter.  The same Kerry Collins who a year later recorded an NFL-single season record with twenty-three fumbles? The same Kerry Collins who has played for five different teams since he was drafted in 1995? The same Kerry Collins who drunkenly offended his Carolina Panthers teammates on the last night of training camp in 1997? The same Kerry Collins who battled with alcohol addiction before finally cleaning up his act ten years ago? Yep, same guy.

Now he’s clean, he’s apologized a dozen times and finally showing us why he was drafted in the first place. Collins is not only managing his offense efficiently but he’s the 15th quarterback in NFL history to eclipse the thirty-five thousand mark in career passing yards. The only other active quarterback with more passing yards than Collins is that guy who plays for the Colts. What’s his name? Something Manning? Oh right, Peyton.  And guess what? Kerry’s having a better season.

Born in Lebanon, Pennsylvania, Collins attended Penn state where he was a finalist for the Heisman Trophy in 1994. Under the legendary coach Joe Paterno, Collins led the Nittany Lions to an undefeated season and a victory in the illustrious Rose Bowl against Oregon. Here’s a fun fact about Kerry Collins, while at Penn State he captured not one but two of college football’s most prestigious post-season prizes: The Maxwell Award which is presented to the Nation’s most outstanding player and The Davey O’Brian Award, given to the Nation’s top quarterback.

Then came the draft where all good things came to an end. The numbers Collins put up at Penn State would become a faint memory. The accolades he received would become obsolete. Selected by the Carolina Panthers in the first round, Kerry was the first ever player to be chosen by the new team in the NFL draft. His years with Carolina were okay but nothing more than just okay. Sure he led the Panthers to the NFC Championship game in his sophomore season and sure his quarterback rating was 65.6 over the three years he was with the team but he was outshone by some of his fellow draft classmates like Steve “Air” McNair and the one and only Warren Sapp (both have since retired).

Things kept going under for Collins who was arrested for drunk driving in Charlotte, North Carolina in 1998. After being placed on waivers by the Panthers Kerry finished the 1998 season with the New Orleans saints where he basically went unnoticed.

The 1999 season saw Collins sign with the New York Giants where like his time spent in Carolina he wasn’t praying up to par. There were interceptions galore and a phenomenon of fumbles. The team signed veteran quarterback Kurt Warner and got their hands 2004 number one draft pick Eli Manning. With no use for Kerry, the Giants released him shortly thereafter.

Onto his fourth NFL team in nine years, Collins couldn’t seem to catch a break. With the Oakland Raiders he acquired the starting job from Rich Gannon when Gannon suffered a neck injury only to have the job taken away from him after several poor performances.  In early 2006 Kerry was cut from the Raiders.

In April of 2006 salvation came in the form of a shiny, new Titans uniform. But Collins had a hard road to travel before being named the Titans starting quarterback. It wasn’t until usual starter Vince Young was pulled from the game in September that Kerry finally got the break he so long deserved.

2008 is the turning out to be a great year for Kerry Collins. He’s getting along with head coach Jeff Fisher, he’s getting along with his receivers and his lineman and most of all he’s getting the ball into the right hands to ensure not only grandiose yardage but sweet touchdowns and even sweeter victories. For the first time in his thirteen-year career it’s damn good to be Kerry Collins.

Komo and Higgy write to Sundin - Come to the dark side

by Elisabeth Galina…

Bro,

We are totally psyched that you’re considering playing with us. This is like a super big deal for Montreal. We’re pretty good now but with you we could def win the Cup. Yeah, you’ll lose your Toronto fans but you’ll gain new ones. Seriously, dude, Habs fans are nuts. But like, in a good way. You got mad skillz and would be an asset to our team. Maybe Gainey’ll let you be co-caption with Saks? You’re both from Swedeland, we don’t see a problem!

There are a few things you should know about the team. Some of us are young. I’m 24 and Komo’s 26. We’ve been playing in the NHL a while now but we’re not exactly seasoned guys. We’re learning from our mistakes and trying not to get arrested. LMFAO!

Seriously though, don’t leave your purse unattended near Ryan O’Bryne. Not that you carry a purse cuz you’re a dude but maybe you have a laptop bag or a carry-on. Hamrlik wears a purse. He says it’s a man-bag, all the Czechs carry them but we’re convinced it’s a straight up pocketbook. You know like that episode of friends where Rachel dresses Joey and he gets that leather bag and won’t take it off and he botches an audition and the director’s like “take off your purse” and he’s like “it’s not a purse” but it’s totally a purse.

Ps, Komo’s a beast. If anyone messes with you he’ll check the shit out of them. No doubt.

But yeah, most of us are “babies”, like Latendresse, Chipchura, Lapierre and Price, aka Marshmallow, Chipmunk, Maxi-pad and Carebear. They’re good guys but they cry a lot, especially Carey. He can’t deal with losing. Funny story, one time he got Gatorade in his eye and we had to call his mom.

There are old dudes on the team too. Brisebois’s like your age.

Also, don’t under any circumstance make fun of Carbo’s ties. He gets super testy and makes us do sprints in practice. Sprints are retarded. In terms of coaching though, dude is hard! He’s like Vince Lombardi on ice!

Hmmm what else? Oh right, don’t look Markov in the eye before a game. EVER. If you do, we lose. It sounds insane but it’s true. We’re kinda superstitious like that. We rub Lil’ Stevie Begin’s head before each game too. It’s super shiny. We used to throw spitballs at your picture but we won’t do that if you become a Canadien!

As for teamwork, camaraderie and other words Carbo throws at us; we’re like brothers. We all get along. Except Ryder. He’s hella weird. He’s from Newfoundland and no one understands what he’s saying. Don’t talk to that guy. He’s a douche. We should send him to Colorado where all Habs players go to end their careers! LOL.

You’ll have to learn French though. Hope that’s okay. We’re from Long Island, that’s in New York, you know the Islanders, Lindsay Lohan and Taking Back Sunday. BTW, Taking Back Sunday is the hypest band ever! If you’re into post-melodic hardcore. But you’re prolly into ABBA. That’s cool. Vintage. Anway, we had to learn how to say things in French like “Where’s the bathroom?”, “Are you sure you’re over 18?” and “You can’t ask me that without my lawyer present.” It’s different French. Not the French we’re used too like Pepe Le Pew styles.

However, in Montreal, hockey players are considered Gods. It’s the ultimate ego boost. It’s a great city with great people. And except for the occasional bomb scare, the Bell Centre is the best place to play, hands down! Mostly called in from Huet, he’s super pissed at Gainey. That’s another reason Carebear cries. I sent Cristo a text message after Washington got owned by the Flyers just to say wassup and he wrote back some real mean shit about Carebear and Tommy Plekanec. Plekz never even did anything to him! Not cool.

So yeah, we think you should play for the Habs. The Leafs’ll survive without you. Do yourself and the good people of Montreal a favor and help us win the Stanley Cup next year. We need you.

If Johnny Damon can cut his hair and suit up in pinstripes…

Sincerely your homies,
Chris Higgins and Mike Komisarek