The 10 Worst-Run NFL Franchises

June 23, 2009

By Dan Boone… In the NFL the owners ask a lot of the fans. The personal seat licenses extortion, 10-beers, seven-buck hot dogs, six-buck sodas, full priced exhibition game tickets, 25-buck Made in China team caps, $75 made in Indonesia game jerseys, $30 parking, and tax-payer-funded stadiums, to name just a few perks.

They ask for all that and more. Each year, every year, gang greed wants more…More, more, more. But fans of certain franchises always get less, less, less.

Some teams seemed doom. Whether cursed by the ghost of Bobby Layne, just destined to be team ruled by pettiness due to some rogue DNA rolling around the owners brain, or just plain incompetence and bad luck some teams always seem to be on the losing end.

So while the NFL and its billionaire boys club prepare to go the mattresses with tiny Delaware and its dreams of a state-sponsored sports betting, while the always hypocritical NFL rolls out lottery ticket games, let’s look at the franchises that give their fans the worst bang for their buck.

1. Detroit Lions

It’s been almost 50 years since Bobby Layne blew Motown in a huff and the Lions have been mostly lusterless ever since.

Beside George Plimpton, Barry Sanders, and the brief bright light of Billy Sims, there has not been much to excite Lion fans since.

It’s beating a dead cat, but what have the Fords been worst at football or Ford Motors? Both seem dead in the water and Motown might be an American ghost town soon.

The Los Angles Lions? It has a ring to it. The Hollywood Lions?

2. Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals broke into a pair of Super Bowls in the ’80s but it’s been a two-decade dead spell since. A dead spell broken by a string of spectacular arrests and failed teams.

Owner Mike Brown is considered to be one of the cheapest owners east of the Bidwells, and the Bengals always suffer from a short scouting staff and an inability to develop quality players or sign key free agents.

Superman used to have an enemy known as Bizarro who was an evil opposite version of Superman formed by a laboratory experiment gone horribly wrong. That is the Bengals in comparison to their division rival Pittsburgh Steelers.

What direction would the Bengals have taken if they had hired assistant coach Bill Walsh all those years ago? Would Ken Anderson be wearing a few Super Bowl rings right now?

Owner Paul Browns mania prevented the Bill Walsh hiring and Walsh always wondered why. So do the Bungle faithful.

3. Cleveland Browns

The city and franchise have not been the same since Marty Schottenheimer decided to play prevent defense against John Elway on what become known as “The Drive.”

The there was the sad sequel “The Fumble” then the tragedy “The Modell Move” and since then team returned its been mostly flat line football.

The recycled New York Jet Wonder Child wants to can the franchise quarterback from South Bend before he has a chance to prove he’s another bad Brown. It’s a big bet by a magic man who should little magic on Broadway.

The team lacks direction and talent and its Super Bowl less streak will continue well into the twenty teens and beyond.

But the 1940s and the Jim Brown era were quite a run. And quite a long time ago. Best thing for Browns fans to do now is to block arch betrayers Art Modell’s Hall of Fame hopes.

The Hall of fame isn’t for rats, is it?

4. Arizona Cardinals

A Super Bowl appearance doesn’t erase the curse of the Bidwells. Long known as one of the worst owners in any professional sports the fanatically frugal Bidwells won’t let the Cardinals success stand long.

Like the Phoenix their city is named for, expect this bird to rise from the ashes only once every 500 years or so.

The Bidwell’s would bring down any franchise in any sport in any country.

5. Kansas City Chiefs

While his Daddy HL Hunt was digging oil and talking John Birch blues and his brother Bunker was cornering the silver market Lamar Hunt was given the Chiefs to play with

And they played well in the 1970s. But its been a long sad, slow decline since the days of Lennie Dawson, Willie Lanier, Buck Buchanan, and Hank Stram.

Under the mismanagement of Herman Edwards and Carl Peterson the Chiefs ended up a very boring team, very losing team, with little talent and less reason to spark any hope in the hearts of Chief fans.

It’s cold in Missouri at football games in winter time and Kansas City desperately needs to do something positive for its besieged, and worse bored, fan base.

6. San Francisco 49ers

Shopping mall Godfather Eddie Debartolo liked to try to bribe corruptible Southern Governors and to bet big on his team but at least he wanted very badly to win.

And win the big one. Never again will we see an owner willing to stockpile his team with so much high priced talent.

The salary cap won’t allow an owner to import the entire  starting defensive line of the San Diego Chargers as back ups or stash Steve Young on the roster after slipping a fellow owner a million in cash as Eddie D once did..

But at least Eddie D wanted to win the York’s don’t seem to care. The lack of Fast Eddie D has laid this once proud franchise low.

7. Oakland Raiders

I like Al Davis. He’s done more for football then any modern era owner but the old pirate needs a first mate who can pick talent, pay coaches contracts, and negotiate trades.

Al has lost his magical mojo.

Me hopes he gets his mojo back but the pirate king is aging and the players he picks aren’t playing at a high level anymore.

John Madden phone home? Help Mad Al find his mojo.

8. Dallas Cowboys

Like Lamar Hunt, old Dallas Cowboy owner was the scion of a Big Oil Dallas Daddy.

But Clint, unlike Hunt, was a wild one who loved his booze, pills, powders, cheerleaders, and Cowboys.

But unlike Jerry Jones, Clint hired Tom Landry, Gil Brandt, and Tex Schramm to run the football end of things while he funded the fun times until his bubble burst.

Jerry Jones thinks he is Tom Landry, Tex Schramm, Gil Brandt, and Clint Murchison Jr. ruled into one all knowing football being.

The Cowboys have not been the same since Jimmy Johnson left. When was the last time the Cowboys won a playoff game?

Jones seems like he has more fun running a free wheeling circus rather then a football team so Cowboy fans ought to enjoy Jessica Simpson new reality TV show which will feature their starting quarterback in a starring role.

Would Roger Staubach do that? What would have Tom Landry said about that?

Who knows? But the circus is in town and fans better pluck up the big bucks to see the show.

The last time fans in Dallas town were being held up like this was when Clyde Barrow was running about West Dallas with a wild woman, bootleg booze, and a trunk full of stolen guns.

Anyone want to buy any naming rights for the ball park?

9. Washington Redskins

Even in his 80s, old Redskin billionaire owner Jack Kent Cooke liked his wild, wind shield riding, drug toting, brown eyed South American ladies and he loved his Redskins.

He left his Redskins in the able hands of Joe Gibbs and Bobby Beathard. To current owner Daniel Snyder the Redskins are but a big toy to boost his ego and build his bank account by fleecing the Redskin faithful.

Failed coaches and free agent flops come and go quicker in DC then corrupt lobbyists these days and under Danny it doesn’t seem like it going to get better.

But for the fans it will definitely get costlier.

Why pay more for a product so much poorer then it was two decades ago?

Well it is Washington.

10. Chicago Bears

Sure they signed Jay Cutler but its a shameful stain on the teams old name that all its passing records are held by Sid Luckman who retired 60 years ago before passing rules were liberalized.

The Bears owners have a history of cheapness and it all began with the Papa Bear George Halas.

Bronko Nagurski left the Bears in the ’30s because pro wrestling paid better than the Papa Bear did. Mike Ditka, the player, once said that Halas threw nickels around like manhole covers. The great Dick Butkus’ career was riddled with bad knees and worst contract disputes.

QB George Blanda was  signed by the Bears for $600, a fee Halas hounded Blanda to refund when he made the team, and after long running money feud with Halas Blanda left the Bears for a Hall of fame career elsewhere. Blanda later said Halas was even to cheap to buy him a kicking tee.

The great Bear team of 1985 was dismantled by Halas grandson, Mike McCaskey, who refused to bring in a capable back up QB or USFL stars while releasing such stars as Wilbur Marshall, Willie Gault, and Otis Wilson over contract disputes.

With Cutler the Bears finally have a capable QB but it might have came four years after their defense peaked.

Don’t expect a Bear to change its coat.

Will The Buffalo Bills Play In Canada Without a Backfield?

May 25, 2009

By Dan Boone… Its tougher to cross into Canada from the United States.

Folks going fishing have been turned back by Border Guards if they have minor infractions with the law on their records.

It’s going to get tougher too.

Which begs the question how is the NFL going to smuggle the Buffalo Bill’s backfield across the border?

Running back Marshawn Lynch has been charged with multiple crimes and has a criminal conviction for carrying an illegal lorded hand gun, while loaded himself of course.

Bill’s fullback Corey McIntyre was just charged with drunkenly fondling himself while staring through a women’s window at night.

Whispers of the net say the Bill boss men might be interesting in signing convicted felon Michael Vick to play quarterback.

A team should consider whether Vick can pass through international borders before giving him a contract. What if the NFL moves the Super Bowl to Toronto in a few years and Vick can’t make the trip?

Pity the poor pooches that would suffer pain and woe for that wrong.

The defense doesn’t rest either as safety Ko Simpson was arrested for interfering with a police officer and captain and safety Donte Whitner was tasered and charged with aggravated disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

What is Ralph Wilson going to pay some rogue Mohawks to row his bad boys across Lake Ontario on a moon less midnight so they can sneak into Toronto?

Buffalo Bill Cody, the teams namesake, was handy with a gun, but does that mean the Bill’s backs should be packing pistols?

Why not make it OJ Simpson in Canada Day and squeeze the juice free and take him along as a Bills mascot? Let the Juice go on the loose in Toronto.

But does the NFL and the uber rich get an exception? Do they, as usual, get a free pass?

Joe Fan can’t go fishing for walleye in Canada because of a DUI a few years back, but bring on the Bills?

A man with misdemeanor can’t hunt a moose, but a man with a felony for sadistically murdering dogs gets a free pass to play pass and catch?

Fair’s fair, right?

The NFL is on its high moral soap box in its epic battle with tiny Delaware over gambling on parlay cards at state racetracks, but it will cut a dark deal to bring its bad boys north?

Some Bills fans with minor criminal records, lesser records, then some current Bill’s players will be barred at the border, but the team will roll right in?

What if the Cincinnati Bengals or Dallas Cowboys want to play overseas? What if the Bills or Jets sign PacMan Jones?

I don’t say ban the Bills, the border has become a bit of a bureaucratic overkill, but what’s fair for the fisherman and the fans should be fair for the Bills.

But maybe we should start paying attention to what the bureaucrats are doing at the border and why not use the Bills as an example?

If Marshawn Lynch wanted to go fishing he wouldn’t be allowed in, so should he be allowed in because he is bringing big bucks to Toronto?

Do we exist until two sets of standards and laws?

Joe Fan can’t fish, but Lynch can run?

Canadian Coup: Bye Bye Buffalo and the Bills and Jills?

February 18, 2009

by Dan Boone…

Is Canada trying to annex Buffalo?

Not just steal the Bills, and their lovely cheerleaders the Jills, but take the entire city in a startling new show of imperial Canadian policy?

Before ye scoff consider the terrible evil economic witch’s brew we are embroiled in, a bilious broth which might just be being born, and understand in this new vicious, vile new world order old friends and new enemies aren’t always what they seem.

One day Putin’s your sweet, soul eyed vodka swilling buddy and the next day he’s mooning ye from Moscow. The worlds gone strange old spies, with far away eyes, sip scotch and say while dreaming of  good, old Cold War Days. A weird world where mass destruction was just a switch away but, at least, the sad eyed Spooks say the Reds were Red, and we were Red, White, and Blue.

The Pentagon said it is planning for a destabilized Mexico, an increasing, violent place, an unstable place, one which wild Pancho Villa would savagely smile at and toast with strong tequila today, but the hard eyed men in Washington are also planning for the 2019 US-Canadian Sea Lane War for the suddenly sweet shipping lanes opened by the melting polar caps.

The Pentagon plans for Russia and Norway, with its old Viking Fishing Fleet, to join the confused fray. But the Russians have few spare parts and the Vikings have been quiet since King Harald of Norway took that sharp arrow in his hard throat in Jolly Old England long ago, the main Pentagon threat, the Generals hiss, is Canadian Imperialism.

And some whisper it has started already with Canadian secret agents trying to steal the Buffalo Bills. Far fetched? Canada has long been at the heart of black operations and mad, dark plots.

Both John Wilkes Booth and Benedict Arnold vacationed in Canada shortly before becoming infamous in America.

President William McKinley was discussing football, tariffs, and trade with Canada in, you guessed it, Buffalo,when he was brutally assassinated. An event which Bills Owner Ralph Wilson was scheduled to speak at. Coincidence? Some may say so…