Redneck Toilet Paper

26 Jun 2008 14:59

Dropping by

Guaranteed Weight Loss

.. An overweight guy was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a “guaranteed” weight loss program. “yeah right”, he thinks to himself. “But let’s see what they can do.”

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10 lbs. weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike’s and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, “I like the way this company does business.”

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of “treatment”, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20 lbs. weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their “workout” schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok’s and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

He’s out the door like a shot!

This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days.

For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. “I love this company,” he thinks to himself, “I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.”

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company’s 7-day, 50 pound weight loss program. “Are you sure, sir?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”

“Absolutely,” says he, “I love your program. Haven’t felt this good in years!”

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, “If I can catch you, I can have you.”

Interview with Borje Salming - one of the game’s Greats

By Linda Mankefors…

Borje Salming hardly needs an introduction. He’s a legend on both sides of the Atlantic. For Toronto Maple Leafs fans, he’s one of the biggest, and for many Swedes, he’s the best Swedish hockey player of all-time.

With 1,148 games, 787 points and 1,344 PIM’s he has fantastic numbers for any D-man, but the numbers also hide an assist point record in Leafs history. Three All-Star games and a Hall of Fame membership aside, the stats speak for themselves, but they don’t show what a warrior he was. A hardnosed, brilliant player who wasn’t afraid to get in the ice, always battling despite injuries or pain, getting permanent injuries like partly lost eyesight and wrecked knees, he still has a heart still full of Leafs pride.

It is a true honor for me as a Swede to get a short talk with him. Calling during his dinner (for some reason I have a knack of interrupting interviewees during their eating), I’m most grateful he took the time to answer a few question.

When you started in NHL in the 70s it must have been tough for a Swede?

-I was one of the first, so yes. You weren’t hassled by the refs or anything like that, but every oppurtunity an opponent got to nail you, they tried. Back then you didn’t know English either, at all.

You had a Swedish teammate though.

-It was nice to have someone to talk to and share with (Inge Hammarstrom).

-It was also a lot tougher back then. You could whack somebody in the head with your stick, and it didn’t matter much. Today, you get suspended for a long time, two minutes for spearing, etc. Back then you got away with a lot of nasty tricks all the time.

Did you miss your family?

-Sure, but it was my decision to play over there so it wasn’t that hard.

You were on (Swedish) TV the other week, where you mentioned it’s difficult showing emotions. Is it due to a hockey culture, going there alone on a team with tough guys?

-M father died when I was young, so I had to pull together and harden up. I didn’t have any dad at the stands watching me play when I grew up. It was rough. So I learned to toughen up, and not show anything, never cry. When I played over there and got a big hit, you almost died on the ice, it was hard, but you didn’t want to show anything for your teammates or opponents, so you just pulled together.

How about today, any plans of coaching or managing over there?

-God no, I’m way too busy, I don’t have time. I have so much to manage with my businesses (Salming Underwear, etc).

The Toronto Maple Leafs hasn’t exactly made anyone happy recently, what do you think they future looks like?

-I happen to know the team is going through a phase now and will shift focus entirely. Last years, they’ve traded away their draftees for established players, and that hasn’t worked. They will now aim at young players, like the Pittsburgh Penguins did and are prepared to let it take awhile for success to come. They’ll get rid of some older players.

Mats Sundin?

-He’s been one of the best on the team so he should be safe.

What’s the worst and best experience from your NHL years?

-Can’t think of a worst, you could dwell on certain situations “why didn’t I do this or that,” but there’s no point. The best was the 70s, we were a great team back then, it was so much fun.

You never got the Cup, any bitter feelings?

-No, it’s not very important. That’s really exaggerated you have to get the Cup, there’s so many great players who’s never got the Cup. At the time you thought a little bit about it, but now afterwards no. I played 16 years for the same team and had the sweater hung in the ceiling, those things are big.

Thank you for your time, just one last question, a few years ago it was a hot topic about homosexuality within hockey. What’s your view and experience of it?

- I don’t care at all! It’s of no matter to me which sex you prefer, you’re the same person anyway. To be completely honest I never noticed anything on the team. But you knew people who were gay, and you spent time with them. I know it bothered a lot of people, but it never bothered me the slightest.

Thank you, good luck in your future!

Wimbledon just got ugly

Ana Ivanovic the No. 1 tennis player in the world, got ousted in the 3rd round at Wimbledon 6-1, 6-4 by Chinese wild card Zheng Jie. Combined with Maria Sharapova losing, this year’s tournament just got ugly, in every sense of the word.

Anyway, just to show our support for women’s sports, let’s pay tribute to the end of Ana’s Grand Slam dreams with a few photos and a few of Maria too!

Former Super Bowl winner again taking a back seat

by Michael Seff…He may be the most unceremonious Super Bowl winning quarterback this side of Trent Dilfer (and perhaps Mark Rypien). But Brad Johnson, who guided the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to a 48-21 rout of the Oakland Raiders in Super Bowl XXXVII, has had an above-average career that currently has him holding a clipboard for Tony Romo in Dallas. He will be entering his 17th NFL season in 2008 after being drafted in the 9th round of the 1992 Draft by the Minnesota Vikings. He is among the most accurate passers in NFL history, becoming the first player to complete over 60% of his passes in 12 straight seasons. Yet he has always taken a backseat role to flavors of the month despite his steady production. First it was Randall Cunningham in his 1998 renaissance year. Then it was Jeff George in a 2000 season in Washington gone awry. Tavarais Jackson helped give him the boot in his second stint in Minnesota before Johnson became Romo’s backup this past year.

So perhaps it was only fitting that Johnson’s performance in 2002 was overshadowed by the Buccaneers’ dominant defense. He almost assuredly will never be a starter again in the league, but if Romo succumbs to injury, the Cowboys would be in steady hands with Johnson.

Johnson had a potentially promising career with the Redskins before injury and ineffectiveness in 2000 led to George taking over at the helm. Johnson left as a free agent in 2001 to join the Bucs, but a one-and-done in the playoffs had many questioning if he was capable of taking Tampa Bay deep into the playoffs. But Johnson flourished in Jon Gruden’s first season as head coach, and was as instrumental to their Super Bowl run as their vaunted defense.

Alas, he will not end up in Canton. He may not even be remembered by the casual football fan when his career officially ends. But he’ll always have his Super Bowl ring and a place in the history books.

Guess That Ass

She was born on October 14, 1979 in Baltimore, Maryland, She’s 5′ 11” and weighs in at 130 lb. This American actress and former professional wrestler and valet for World Championship Wrestling (WCW) and World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE).

She began her professional wrestling career as a part of the Nitro Girls in WCW. After WCW was purchased by WWE, she moved to the new company, taking part in the Invasion storyline and managing the Dudley Boyz. She also managed Test and Scott Steiner. Before her departure, she was affiliated with Rosey and The Hurricane and nicknamed Super Stacey.

A contestant on the second season of Dancing with the Stars, known for her forty-two inch long legs. She has been known as both “The Legs of WCW” and “The Legs of WWE”. During her time on Dancing with the Stars, she was nicknamed “The Weapon of Mass Seduction” because of her dancing skills and long legs.

The Love Guru Can’t Acutally Help The Maple Leafs… Right?

By Bryan Thiel…

Well, despite Ken Armer’s constant ripping and devious comments about the movie, and how I assured him I could never sit through such a sacrilegious thing—I did.

I sat there and watched as Mike Myers, a man who describes himself as a huge Leafs’ fan, allowed the Toronto Maple Leafs to hoist the cup in one of the most cliched Stanley Cup Finals—favorite team goes down 3-0 with their number one player suspended for games two and three, and then they go on to win the next four. Yeah sure, nothing out of the ordinary there.

To be honest, it wasn’t worth Ken’s ribbing, that stupid free gift on Facebook he sent me, or the $10 it cost to see the movie—there were probably three legitimately funny moments in the entire thing, and all of them stemmed from Stephen Colbert’s color commentary which was a thing of genius.

I couldn’t even watch as, with one second left, ‘Darren Roanoke’ was given a penalty shot on Justin Timberlake—sorry Jacques ‘Le Coq’ Grande. The moment he started to skate, I shut my eyes and chose not to take in the moment because for a team that hasn’t even made the finals in forty-one years, it just didn’t seem right to win the cup in a movie—especially in a movie where Romany Malco scored on Justin Timberlake.

The movie actually turned out to be the perfect end to the current dilemma that has faced the Toronto Maple Leafs though as it defined the past three years perfectly—an unorganized wasteland of forced laughs, unnecessary actions, and failed expectations.

The other perfect example of this? The man on the left in the photo, John Ferguson Jr. (And why exactly are he and Doug Gilmour of all people wearing matching ties!? And everyone is OK with this?)

But what if I told you that the Guru Pitka was on to something? What if I told you that, despite it going about as well as Vanilla Ice fighting Todd Bridges.

Well hear me out—despite never once seeing Carlton the Bear, we could actually make this movie worthwhile.

The following are the Seven Things the Toronto Maple Leafs Can Actually Learn from the Love Guru:

Aggressive CBC Hockey Night in Canada Logos: Throughout the Stanley Cup finals, CBC would use animated L.A. Kings (Yes they made the Finals—and Rob Blake was playing centre. Did I mention how great this movie was?) and Toronto Maple Leafs logos when they displayed the current standing of the series.

As the Maple Leafs fell to the Kings 1-0, 2-0, and 3-0, the Kings logo was shown shooting the Leafs’ logo, hitting it in the knee cap, and just all-out abusing it.

When the Leafs’ staged their “historic” comeback however, the Maple Leaf was bestowed with such sportsmanship as using a flamethrower on the Kings’ logo, while when the series became tied, both resulted to lewd gestures.

Want to create more buzz around the sport with teenagers and people who like violence amongst inanimate objects? Introduce this to Versus—trust me, it will work.

A Captain with Attitude: Alright, so the movie showed the stereotypical ’street attitude’ from some of the youth who idolized Roanoke, but what I noticed was that (aside from his mother), Roanoke who was a man who would stick up for himself (unless Myers told him not to fight, or it was his mother), and who wouldn’t take any disrespect.

Don’t get me wrong, Mats Sundin has been a great captain and I hope he comes back for another season, but if he doesn’t I think we introduce a new attitude to the Leafs and have our captain be someone with an on-ice edge.

Sidenote: In the movie, Roanoke wasn’t actually captain. Number 50 was. But for some reason he never said ANYTHING.

Granted the movie was about Roanoke, but you’d think that the captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs would at least have a line wouldn’t he? Then again he’s probably an over-paid third line player, so I guess I can forgive them.

Jessica Alba (or a woman of an equal hotness quotient) as the Owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs: Granted the woman knows nothing about being in a good movie (But she was in the New Adventures of Flipper!) or about hockey, but I think the Woz but it best:

“It’d be like if we made Jessica Alba the catcher for the Florida Marlins. It doesn’t matter who you are, you’d just be distracted by ‘hot’ when you went up there.”

Needless to say, our players don’t need to be distracted by ‘hot’, but they need to be inspired to play for ‘hot’.

Having merely described the woman as ‘hot’ for three paragraphs I’d like you to know that there is probably a large group of feminists after me—but that’s irrelevant.

Besides, I’d rather have a “Stupid pretty girl who knows nothing about hockey” (she said this in the movie—this is not of my doing) running the team than stupid old men who know nothing about hockey and retired teachers running the team. I at least have something to look at this way.

Sidenote: I know that the whole Jane Bullard thing (Alba’s character) was a stab at Harold Ballard, but there are two things wrong with this:

1) Mike Myers, you pissed off the ghost of Harold Ballard and he was enough of a prick (God rest his soul) when he was alive, and

2) We’re using the last name Bullard and we can’t even get a cameo from Mike Bullard? No wonder so many people don’t like this movie.

Stephen Colbert as a Colour Commentator: Granted Adam Wright would prefer Stephen Colbert as the teams’ General Manager, but after having Colbert divulge to a National audience that he’s ‘rigid’ with excitement at the Stanley Cup finals and watching him relapse into his drug problem, he needs to be part of the broadcast team.

If you need more proof just go and watch the movie.

Joe Bowen Needs a Drug Addiction: Ok, this may be crossing a line as Bowen is good enough on his own without ‘enhancement’, but could you imagine how great it would be if Bowen and Colbert were flying around together in the press box?

Joe Bowen: Stephen, I’m so drugged up…

Stephen Colbert: You’re also old too Joe.

JB: HOLY MACKINAW I am too! Just look at my hands!!

Blue Hot Dogs and Buns: They aren’t really necessary for the Leafs to succeed, but I saw these in the movie and I’ve decided that I want more colored food! Blue Nachos! Giant blue cookies! Blue beer!!!

And to raise team and fan morale? Do this every day instead of just during the Stanley Cup finals! I mean, life isn’t a movie—there’s no telling if we’ll ever make it there again!

A Coach who Doesn’t Mince Words: Originally this was supposed to be ‘Elephants to distract the other team’ as in the movie Mike Myers uses Elephants doing the ‘deed’ as a distraction to help Roanoke overcome his inabilities. (Inabilities on the ice!!!! INABILITIES ON THE ICE!!!)

Needless to say the elephant gag grew very old and very gross very quickly, and I decided that it’s best if we don’t let elephants do that in public during a hockey game, so instead I decided on having a no-nonsense coach.

Despite the fact that he was centered in some very lame comedy routines, Verne Troyer was the perfect coach—he smacked around the distractions (Even punching the Guru in the manliest area known to man at one point), worked to motive his players in spite of the fact the lacked their star, and he always told it like it was and was honest with everyone.

We not only need a coach like this (hopefully Ron Wilson is reading) but we need a team full of people like it to. Ron and Cliff are good starts—now if only we could convince management to do the same.

So are the Leafs going to win the cup if they follow those seven “useful” things that came from the Love Guru? They could, but it’s been forty-one years so I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Although that might be a nice alternative to watching the Love Guru—if you’re going to pass out, do it intentionally, not from boredom.