Garbage Time 2009 Year Of The Holdout

By Rob Rave…

Did you ever eat at one of those Chinese restaurants where they have that weird calendar placemat on the table? I was never a fan. I mean, according to it, I’m a Tiger, which fits like a glove. But that also means all the girls I went to school with were Tigers too, and I’m positive most of them were pigs and dogs.

According to those crazy crazy Chinese, 2009 is the Year of the Ox. But come on, how many people do you know with an ox? For that matter, what’s an ox? It’s one of those animals where if you tried to draw it, you couldn’t. The Chinese calendar is clearly no longer relevant; you can’t just rotate twelve different years.  All 1.3 billion of them screwed up. And since they aren’t here to pick up the pieces, I’m going to Nostradaminate 2009 and officially call it. Ladies and gentlemen, 2009 will be the Year of the Holdout. Strap yourselves in.

The past always forecasts the future, and Mats Sundin dominated last year’s headlines. I couldn’t believe that TSN named the Giants’ Superbowl upset their 2008 Story of the Year. How much ink did that measly game provide in comparison to Sundin’s epic will-she-won’t-she flirtfest with his many suitors? Matty didn’t just set off a media circus - he started a revolution.

There are some big contracts up in 2009 - Niedermayer, Sakic  and Kovalev, among many others, and we know the first guy doesn’t mind missing opening night. Not only do I think these guys will follow Mats’ example, but they’d have to be morons not to.

Work it out. Mats will hit the ice in early January and play a maximum of 40 games (and that’s if he doesn’t tear, tweak or wrench something from not having really played in nine months). For this, he’ll pull five million dollars, which includes the three weeks of practice he’s being paid for. In today’s NHL, that is a crazy amount. Why would a fragile old-timer like Sakic not want to extend his summer vay-cay by four months as he “contemplates his future”, and bank almost as much as he made this season to be a hired gun for the homestretch?

Hey, why stop there? Unless the NHL legislates an early season “sign-by” date, it could get insane. Any player with a modicum of talent can stall, wait until Christmas and get a contract that pays a hell of a lot more per game. They also get to see who’s bound for the playoffs by then. Check out this dystopian future:  the Mike Keanes and David Lings of the world play the first half-season for peanuts, and hand the ball off to the moneymakers for the last half of the year. Scary. But possible.

So hey, on January 2010, when you’re still waiting to see where coveted free agent Shane Hnidy is going to land, remember who called it. Not that I need the satisfaction. Cause I’m a Tiger, honey.

I’m Pissed Off

by Marlon Skyers… I’m jumping off the Raptors band-wagon and hopping back on “the Wagon” or is it “off the wagon”. Whatever it is, my disappointment in the Raptors has driven me to heavy drinking. Being that, a Canadian invented basketball, I am genetically predisposed to loving basketball but, I am going to transgress against type and say “Screw the Raptors!” So what if the Raptors made the Play-offs, who cares! Making the NBA Play-offs is like getting to second-base with your cousin, sure it’s better than nothing, but you can’t brag about it to your co-workers. Plus, they lost to the Nets last year. A team that is unmistakably worse. Losing to the New Jersey Nets in the first round is like losing $200 in poker to your mother because she played mind games. I still think she was counting cards, cheating skank! Anyways, back to hating the Raptors, my buddies are always telling me “stop spending your money on massage parlors” but after that they would tell me “there’s always The Leafs”.

Yep, the Toronto Maple Leafs. They haven’t won a championship since the 60’s. I got a C minus in Canadian History so I am pretty sure I know my stuff. The last time the Leafs won a championship: women weren’t allowed to vote; it took 10 cents to fill the tank of
your Model T with leaded kerosene, and Sir John A McDonald still had a comb-over. (Feel free to cross-reference the historical content). Torontonians have been so loyal to The Leafs. The majority of Leafs ticket sales come from season ticket holders. Buying leafs season tickets is like buying dinner for a date that won’t put-out; there is always that point during the date right around the second entrée where you feel like “wow. I feel so used “.

Now that brings me that sloppy, morning-after mistake aka the Toronto Blue Jays. The Blue Jays reminds me of that girl you typically say  “wow, what was I thinking? Did she have an Adams-apple?” Every time I think I am done with that portion of my life, the infectious Blue Jays just pop-up like an embarrassing rash. So what’s left, Toronto FC, the Rock, maybe the Argos, I think there is a girls little league softball team that is showing some promise but, those powder puffs will probably just disappoint me again, they’re just like all the others. Now you’re saying: “who is this cheap, angry drunk, who may, or may not have felt-up his second cousin?” All I can say to that is “I represent everything that makes up a Toronto sports fan” so gimme another pitcher of Blue.

All Canadian Hottie Hockey Team

Forwards:

C: Evangeline Lilly, Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta- On this team, Lilly wears the “C.”

LW Kristen Kreuk, Vancouver, B.C. at 26, she’s just hitting her prime.

RW- Rachel McAdam, London, Ontario- I like Rachel here because it completes a speedy, undersized line that will be really tough to defend against.

Defence:

Erica Durance, Calgary, Alberta- Erica is without a doubt one of the most underrated talents out there. Somehow her appearance on “Smallville” didn’t put her into the celebrity hottie stratosphere like it did Kreuk. She gets her chance here to achieve superstardom.

Natasha Henstridge, Springdale, PEI- You can say Natasha’s past her prime, and you’ll get no argument from me. But she’s still got something left in the tank, and will give me exactly the kind of veteran leadership along the blue line.

Enforcer/Goon:

Trish Stratus, Richmond Hill, Ontario- Pro wrestler. Perfect fit.

Goalie:

Pam Anderson, Comox, B.C.- She’s made a lot of saves in her career. And she’s got the man-made padding.

Staring at breasts every day - prolongs a man’s life

by The Captain… German research published in New England Journal of Medicine indicates that men staring at women’s breasts prolong their lives by several years. “Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out,” said author Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist.

The team led by Weatherby was made up of researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, and for 5 years, monitored the health of 200 male subjects, half of whom were asked to look at busty females daily, while the other half had to abstain from doing so.

For five years, the boob oglers (Is that a medical term?) presented lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and decreased risk of coronary artery disease.

“There’s no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half.” said Weatherby, who recommended that men over 40 should spend at least 10 minutes daily admiring breasts sized “D-cup” or larger.

Buckets Off: Bring Back Hockey Hair

by Tyler Morrison…

2008 is just a memory, still I cannot help but feel as though something was missing. While I do not doubt the intensity and passion that the players possess, I am still finding a void between the way the game is played now and the way it was before the new rules. The so called evolution of the game has made it a super pest’s paradise, a one way street where a cheap shot will be policed by the referee but not an enforcer, the ones who really kept the game clean and their opponents honest. Thanks to the rule changes implemented by Gary Bettman while riding his high horse (located on a merry-go-round at Disney World) there are more head injuries in hockey. Now players with big equipment can run around and play dirty at such a high speed without a true fear of retribution because the enforcers are sitting in the stands at this time of year.

Another thing I am truly tired of is when an injury occurs the media begins rallying for a public outcry to make more rules. The league should have left the game as it was instead of trying to sell it to a market where NASCAR reigns supreme and the only car wreck the NHL had in the southern market resulted in a trade to the Ottawa Senators.

The media’s attitude even seems to be rubbing off on the players. Every time there is a penalty the penalized player whines to the on ice official about the call, something that would not happen if players had more important things to worry about like having to actually be accountable for their actions ala “Old Time Hockey“. Suspending a player today is like sending a kid to his room because dad is not home to administer a spanking. Oh and did I mention the kid has a TV and an X-Box in there that he bought with his new endorsement deal?

“Go to my room? Cool!”

Many people love the new changes which is great but pretty soon players will be using sticks made by NERF. With the exception of banishing the instigator penalty, (who is in charge of getting that rule changed, Mike Danton? The guy couldn’t have done a worse job getting David Frost whacked if he called Bret “Hitman” Hart) if I was allowed to make one rule it would be the expulsion of helmets. The loss of helmets would bring back a level of vulnerability to the game and make teams play with an element of respect that hockey is sorely lacking. There would be fewer head hits due to the fact that there would be a greater risk of something happening to him in retaliation. The loss of the helmet on a lighter note would also bring back hockey hair. A healthy head of long hair has long been associated with power and can even be traced back to biblical times with the story of Samson and Delilah; once Samson had his hair cut off he was no longer a dominant warrior thus losing his edge. While hockey hair still has its place in the game, it is no longer allowed to flow and flourish as a result of the helmet regulations that the league decided to grandfather in. Although it is an issue of safety that seems like it is for the better, it is the one major piece of equipment that leaves players feeling invincible. NHL players today could leave their engines running, talk on their cell phones, and smoke at the gas station all at the same time and still would never be as daring or grit as Craig McTavish when he took to the ice. I say get rid of the helmet and let the 70’s style hair take back its rightful spot in hockey. The only person who should be forced to wear one is Gary Bettman so he doesn’t fall of his magical power pony at Disney World and hurt himself while making another mentally challenged decision to tarnish this great game. Get rid of the helmet. Its time to clean up the league so players can sport hockey hair and respect what my dad calls “Sherwood Shampoo”; something I think would work and I’m willing to place a bet with Rick Tocchet.