FIFA Tackle Tackling
January 14, 2009
Since the start of this season’s Premier League, referees have been under the spotlight. As the FA launched their pitiful “Respect” campaign, FIFA also made it known that they wanted certain types of tackling eliminated from the game.
The referees were in between a rock and a hard place.
Wanting to take advantage of the FA’s latest initiative, and needing to implement FIFA’s new directive meant that referees took one step forward but two steps backward.
The FA initiative was directed at an increasing rate of verbal abuse directed at the referee in the professional game and at how this influences the development of the game at the lower levels and in the schoolboy area.
With “monkey see, monkey do” type behaviour becoming increasingly apparent on schoolboy pitches across the country, the FA enacted the “Respect” campaign in the hope that better behaviour would be mimicked too.
However, the FA had not bargained on FIFA also trying to clean up the game, albeit from another direction.
Over the last 20 years or so FIFA have implemented changes to the game, in an effort to make it more accessible to emerging markets and to keep it in line with the more traditional pioneers of the sport.
The offside rule has now changed to such an extent that you are no longer offside if the referee doesn’t think you were interfering with the first phase of play. Tackling from behind has been outlawed, and keepers were banned from picking up back passes in an effort to make the game faster and to eliminate time wasting.
The back pass rule and the tackle from behind rule have been widely accepted as positive rules, but the same can’t be said of the various attempts at changing the offside ruling. And there is a growing campaign to bring the ruling back to it’s traditional understanding; if you are not interfering with play, then you should not be on the pitch.
FIFA commissioned these studies in the hope of coming up with the most common injuries. And that list has been pain stakingly accumulated.
We now have the knowledge that an average of almost 20 injuries are incurred per game, ranging from niggles that almost go unnoticed to injuries that keep players on the sidelines for indefinite time periods.
67 percent of all injuries that are picked up are based in the lower extremities (from the knee down) and the most common injury being damaged ankle ligaments, which were four times more likely to happen during practice.
48 percent of all knee injuries picked up resulted in players missing a minimum of 10 days training, while one statistic that really stood out was that the mandatory requirement of shin guards has only reduced injuries by 0.1 percent since FIFA enforced their use.
Most injuries were picked up while in physical contact with another player with knee and ankle injuries coming to the fore.
Serious injuries like concussion was also looked at, with the clashing of players heads being the most common cause (84 percent), however being hit by the ball resulted in eight percent of concussion type injuries. This figure has moved many schoolboy federations around the world to look at “head guards”, although they only seem to be used in emerging markets at the moment.
After FIFA had sifted through all of the statistical data, they decided upon a plan to reduce injuries within the game.
First up were the preventative measures, at junior football levels, coaches are being encouraged to learn new training methods and more importantly—proper training methods.
With this knowledge, it is hoped that injuries at various levels of the game will be reduced.
At senior level, clubs like AC Milan have taken this knowledge to a new level. They now employ sports psychologists who regularly interview players. If they feel that the player is not focused enough, then he is given a psychology session to re-direct him.
Sounds weird?
Not at all, AC Milan have pin pointed this lack of focus as one of the determining factors of muscle strain type injuries. And so far they have reduced this type of injury dramatically. Their physio’s have seen a reduction of almost 60 percent and players such as Paulo Maldini have seen their careers dramatically lengthened.
FIFA have also issued the NOCSAE (National Operating Committee on Standards for Athletic Equipment) to set the standards for protective equipment, i.e. shin guards.
Having set all these wheels in motion, FIFA set about the final phase of their solution. During the studies it was determined that 25 percent of all injuries are caused by slide tackles.
So FIFA set about changing the culture as far as slide tackling was concerned. This on going war against the slide tackle started back in the early 90s. Marco van Basten’s career was criminally cut short by such tackles from behind. And faced with losing other star players FIFA decided to act.
First the tackle from behind, then the slide tackle.
In England, tackles such as the one suffered by Eduardo against Birmingham have prompted the English officials to act more swiftly than around the rest of the world.
Under Keith Hackett the PGMOL (Professional Game Match Officials Limited) referees were instructed in July to stamp out slide tackling.
“Challenges that endanger the safety of an opponent are unacceptable, and you must have the courage to quite correctly, go for the red (card). The player has to have control over the speed and intensity of a challenge. It’s your duty to see, think, and act. You cannot duck your responsibility.”
With this in mind referees visited training grounds across the country to establish their drive against foul play as they saw it.
And this is where a major divide arose.
Players and managers disagree with the referee’s interpretation of a slide tackle. Two footed tackles are rightly outlawed, but now referees began to see slide tackling as the same.
With attacking players who have the ball moving at the speed of an Olympic sprinter, a good slide tackle can look so much worse than it actually is. Players who simulate don’t help, but FIFA have left that battle for another day.
The only way to tackle diving is to retrospectively award yellow cards, but that would be to acknowledge television coverage. And if you start questioning one decision, where does it end?
Personally I think “Citing an infringement that the referee missed” like the ruling that is used in Rugby may help. But that’s for another day.
With their clamp down on slide tackling, referees have now begun to punish slide tackles where the ball is won first, because the tackle was over-aggressive.
Traditionalists from the game have so far been unimpressed with referees’ interpretation of the slide tackle. On Setanta Sports late last year a huge row erupted between Craig Burley and Graeme Poll after the two disagreed on Habib Beye’s slide tackle on Robinho that saw him get sent off.
Burley in particular feels that traditional parts of the game are being eroded, he said: “I keep hearing, “Just because he played the ball it doesn’t mean it’s not a free kick.” For the life of me, I don’t understand that.
“There are all these buzz phrases, (like) momentum, over aggression, trailing leg. But if you win the ball first, how is that not a fair challenge?
“Like it or not, every challenge has the potential to cause injury, you can’t get rid of that. Not every player can be Fabregas or Robinho.
“The talent of some is as ball winners, they’ve worked on those skills all their careers and they’re necessary to the team. My worry is what happens to them? Go to any ground in Britain and a 50-50 challenge will get bums off seats as much as a good shot or pass. Fans love to see passion”
Paul Parker, rated as one of the best full backs that Alex Ferguson ever managed has also spoken about this worrying turn of events, he said: “Everything, now is about giving advantage to the attackers but why? Defending is an art. Shouldn’t there be help for defenders as well?”
Unfortunately pundits such as Parker and Burley may have entered the battle too late to save tackling. The culture has already changed.
Prozone statistics show that defenders and midfielders now only make an average of three tackles per game. Follow these statistics further and you will realise that there are 23 percent fewer tackles per game today when compared with the league five years ago.
Football is undoubtedly less of a contact sport today, but does that make it better?
The Leafs Not Likely To Get Tavares
January 14, 2009
The goal of many Leaf fans this season is to see Toronto pick John Tavares in the upcoming draft. I must say I wanted this too but there are three reasons why Toronto won’t get the junior star.
1. No team with a chance of having one of the top two picks will trade there first round pick at the trade deadline. Even if the offer included Kaberle,Antropov and Kubina.
2. No one will be as bad as the Islanders,Tharshers or Senators. These three teams are just in a group of their own. In no way could the Leafs be as bad even with Toskala in net.
3. Work Ethic. Not bad work ethic but good, This years Leafs team has such great effort levels that they could win some games with heart alone, again even with Toskala in net.
So with Tavares out of our minds, who are some players who we could potentially pick up at the draft?
1. Jared Cowen D Spokane WHL
Almost unknown among fans Cowen didn’t even make the World Junior Team for Canada this Christmas but that is because of his age not his skill. Cowen is a 1991 birth but, has the potential to become a franchise defenseman. Cowen is a great defensive defenseman and could work wonders beside Luke Schenn on the blueline for years. This young man is special and any team that picks him will see that. Expect big things from this player.
2. Nazem Kadri C London OHL
Kadri well probally be the second London Knight picked in the top 7 (behind teammate John Tavares) and if the Leafs can get their hands on them it will be a seen as a main stepping stone in the rebuilding process years down the road. Kadri is bursting with skill the young man from London, Ontario has knack for putting up points and could be an elite playmaker for the Leafs. Nazem’s weaknesses are that he sometimes gets to fancy with the puck and doesn’t shoot enough but, he has good size at “6′1 and is a whiz at passing the puck. I would love to see Kadri and Grabovski on a line together, they could be commanding.
3. Evander Kane C Vancouver WHL
Another center Kane is a sniper who has decent wheels. Kane is amazing at putting the puck in the net, through 30 games this year in the WHL Kane has 26 goals and also 28 assists showing he can dish the puck off as well. Kane could be the cornerstone of the Leafs offensive attack for years to come.
4. Matt Duchene C Brampton OHL
Matt is the best forward behind Tavares in this draft and would kick any rebuild into superdrive. The young forward is great in both ends, Matt has learned many things from teammate and friend Cody Hodgson and is ready to take his steps towards the NHL, Matt could be future leader on the Buds.
5.Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson LW Sweden
Gifted offensive player and could challenge Duchene for the second forward spot. He skates very well and can be a sniper or playmaker. He has a good head on his shoulders as he has outstanding hockey sense. Svensson could replace a certain former Swedish Leafs player in a few years.
So as you can see the Leafs can simply not go wrong this year, as it is one of the best and deepest draft class in years. So although the Leafs won’t get Tavares, don’t worry anyone of these players isn’t to bad anyway.
Leafs- Suffer N.M.F. In 2-0 Loss To Nashville
January 14, 2009
The Leafs suffered their fourth loss in a row at the hands of the Nashville Predators mostly because of a season problem called (N.M.F.)
In plain hockey language they were not moving their feet and this has been the case in most games this season.
As mentioned in a previous article of mine, if you as a player(s) are going to stand around not moving their feet, you will begin to clutch and grab or whatever ending in playing a man short.
The Leafs do not seem to be very creative in setting up plays or finishing off plays therefore they give the puck away on most occasions and then end up chasing the opposition continually.
Toskala I thought played a much better game against a pretty good Nashville team although from my point of view I thought the to pucks that went in were stopable.
The Leafs have been having trouble all year making the big break out plays,that is just not happening.
I did think that Luke Schenn played very well on the blue-line and made some very good moves coming out of his own end the penalty at the end of the game was a maybe by the ref.
The league cannot fine me or suspend me for commenting about the officiating for the most part of this season the officiating has been terrible at best.
We do have to admit the Leaf injury list is hurting at this time, but this game was not too bad and one goal by the Leafs early in the third would have been big.
I do honestly believe that the Leaf players are playing scared at this time not knowing what is in the future for them.They are fighting the puck and running around a little: A sure sign of nervousness.
NFL Conference Finals: The Early Lines
January 14, 2009
by Louis “The King of Roncesvalles” Pisano…
Philadelphia Eagles @ Arizona Cardinals +3.5 total 47 (3 pm Est.)
Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers -6 total 34 (6:30 pm Est.)
If anyone predicted that it would be the Eagles and the Cards in the NFC finals, they obviously like to bet the long shots, and as “The Fridge” commented on my last article about the Divisional Playoffs “they are either full of crap or rich…”. But they are here, and in the finals, still a mystery to me. Where did this Cards defence come from actually making tackles and stopping the running game of Carolina, and holding them to 75 yards rushing, ridiculous, considering they averaged 174 yards on the ground which ranked 2nd in NFL at home and Zona’s run D 15th ranked on the road, hmmm middle of the pack. We knew Warner could throw the ball but with Anquan Boldin sidelined it seemed quite simple to just double off on Larry Fitzgerald, easier said than done apparently! Great players rise to challenges. Now I may be a little biased on my opinion because I am a big hater when it comes to the Eagles and McNabb, but the numbers from the game against the Giants don’t lie, neither team played well and the stats are almost identical aside from the score. The Eagles were held to a total of 59 rushing yards where as the Giants ran for 138, can the combination of Hightower and James repeat this type of rushing and if so we know Warner will throw a few to the end zone which Manning couldn’t, and who knows what the hell was wrong with that stinking John Carney piece of sh*t, every time he missed a field goal you could see the wind come out of the sails of the Giants. Can ya tell I am still pissed off, yeah well I am! If the Eagles and the Cards repeat their performances in this game its going to be Arizona Cardinals going to the Super Bowl, the way I see it. What is the world coming to! Arizona in the Super Bowl… What the f*ck!
Well again the Ravens are the underdogs (+6) as they have been almost all year, with everyone still waiting for Mr. Flacko to fall flat on his rookie face. But the Flackonian one has performed like a veteran from day one and has proven himself in big games showing poise and responsibility when having the ball in his hands. The rough Ravens defence has his back and he knows it, so as long as he limits mistakes which he has done thus far the Ravens may be going to the show with Flako! Hold up, wait a minute! He hasn’t faced a team with such a fierce defence as the Steel Curtain provides, and in Pitty with those raving mad lunatic fans screaming and hollering while sucking back copious amounts of beer, Joe might Tatupu the bed and get Flackoed if he isn’t careful! Pittsburgh ranked in the tops in almost every defensive category known to man, though the ravens weren’t far behind. This is the #1 overall ranked road rushing team in the Ravens facing the #2 overall home rushing defence for Pitty, can you SMASH your face in football! I can’t f*cking wait for this game! I have a feeling that this spread might come down but only slightly to perhaps 5.5 after people start looking at all the stats and some of the money out there goes out on the Ravens. Pitty’s home record over the past few years is known well by any of us NFL freaks, yeah they dominate in their own house, its cold its loud and its dirty, smash mouth football, the way people in Pennsylvania like it! I just hope the Super Bowl isn’t a Pennsylvania show down, could be civil war in that state and we won’t hear the end of it for years to come. Neither teams’ offence is a juggernaut by any means, quite similar in fact, whoever comes to play on Sunday will come away with a trip to the big show. I really like this Flacko kid and I like a Cinderella story and my heart is with the Ravens, but this is going to be a real test, and truly in my mind these two AFC teams are head and shoulders above their NFC competitors, the winner here wins the Super Bowl! Go Flacko Go Ravens!
My final read will be posted Friday, ship me any comments to add to the assessing, I will take your opinions into consideration if they have substance! All the best!
Bargnani producing, but where does he fit in?
January 14, 2009
Much has been written in recent weeks about Andrea Bargnani’s play – On this site alone, I’ve read articles bashing him for being perhaps the worst first overall pick in league history and another claiming him to be a “once in every ten years type of player”. I wouldn’t call him either, but I’ll be the first to admit to flopping opinions on him about as often as New York fans do with A-Rod, or any player for that matter.
Here’s what we’ve seen from Bargnani since Jermaine O’Neal took a seat with a sore knee on December 31: 21.3 points and 6.8 rebounds per game on 53% shooting in eight starts, coming on the heals of an 11-game stretch off the bench where he averaged 7.5 points on 34% shooting. So there’s the answer, right? All this guy needs is some set playing time and he’ll produce. Well, it’s not that easy – Bargnani took several turns in the starting rotation last season and failed to develop any kind of consistency, and of course, O’Neal will inevitably be back from injury at some point (how long he stays healthy is anybody’s guess). Still, Bargnani has never strung together a run as solid as the one he’s been on for the past couple weeks, so Raptors fans do have something to be optimistic about.
When O’Neal returns, Bryan Colangelo and Jay Triano have several options for ways to keep Bargnani involved. The first, though it sounds impossible at first because of the $20 million owed to him next season, is to look to trade O’Neal either before the deadline or in the off-season. Why would anyone take him on though? Well, the term “Theo Ratliff’s expiring contract” and “Wally Szczerbiak’s expiring contract” have been thrown around the past couple years, and the same could be attached to O’Neal. Teams are always looking for players with huge contracts set to come off the books, especially with the summer of 2010 looming. Still, with that said, the Raptors would have to take around $20 million back in non-expiring contracts for O’Neal, something they’re likely not hoping to do just for the sake of getting Bargnani a steadier role for the next season-and-a-half.
Another option is starting Bargnani alongside O’Neal and Chris Bosh at the three, a move that was previously employed in mid-November and lasted until Bargnani’s production hit the skids a few weeks later. Toronto’s best bet to keep Bargnani on the floor may be to return to this formation when O’Neal is back, though it wouldn’t be likely to encourage Bargnani’s improving inside game, which they’d like to be developed when O’Neal’s contract comes off the books after next season (that is, assuming O’Neal doesn’t figure into Colangelo’s long-term plans, which I’m hoping he doesn’t).
With a trade unlikely and Bargnani’s development best served at the four and five spots, the Raptors’ best option is to get him as many minutes as possible and hope he can continue stretching defenses and leaving Bosh plenty of space to operate inside. When O’Neal returns, that may mean returning to the bench, where Bargnani has failed to show consistency. That may change, however, with a set amount of minutes in that role, which could be arranged if O’Neal produces and the team hopes to keep him healthy down the stretch by cutting his floor time.
All in all, it’s hard to argue with the unfolding dilemma. The Raptors are finally getting production from a player they passed on the likes of Brandon Roy and Rudy Gay. Now, we wait and see if it continues.
15 Reasons Why the Philadelphia Eagles Will Beat the Arizona Cardinals
January 14, 2009
by Bryn Swartz…
1. Brian Westbrook
The Eagles’ superstar running back has been virtually shut down the entire postseason. This won’t last. It can’t last. Westbrook will rebound from two of the worst rushing performances of his six-year career with a big game against the Cardinals.
On Thanksgiving night, Westbrook scored four times against the Cardinals’ defense—twice on the ground, and twice through the air. McNabb may be the most important member of the Eagles’ offense, but Westbrook is the most dangerous.
2. Brian Dawkins
The future Hall of Fame safety is playing the best football of his 12-year career. Dawkins forced a fumble against the Vikings in the wild-card round and totaled 10 tackles against the Giants.
His mere presence on the football field is downright scary. With his future as a professional football player in doubt, Dawkins will do whatever it takes to earn a ring.
3. DeSean Jackson
The explosive rookie wide receiver and punt returner for the Eagles brings back memories of Brian Westbrook in 2003, who electrified fans with two regular-season punt-return touchdowns.
Jackson returned a punt 63 yards against the Vikings and set an Eagles single-game record with 105 punt return yards. He caught four passes for 81 yards against the Giants, including a clutch 48-yard reception.
4. Andy Reid
There’s a reason that he chose to grow a playoff beard. Seriously, though, Reid is much more postseason experienced than Ken Whisenhunt. He has led the Eagles into the playoffs seven times, winning five NFC East titles, with one Super Bowl appearance.
Reid watched his sons go to prison last year. Rumors circulated about the future of his job this season. He is a Super Bowl ring away from the Hall of Fame.
5. Revenge
Kurt Warner knocked the Eagles out of the playoffs in the 2001 NFC Championship game. Seven Eagles still remain from that team—Donovan McNabb, AJ Feeley, Correll Buckhalter, Tra Thomas, Jon Runyan, Brian Dawkins, and David Akers, as well as head coach Andy Reid.
In 2001, the Rams were the far superior team, winning 14 games en route to their second Super Bowl in three years. But times have changed. The Eagles have been the best team in the NFC since 2001.
6. Experience
The Eagles are the most experienced playoff team of the decade. The NFC Championship game will be their 17th playoff game of the decade, tying the New England Patriots for the most in the new millennium.
No team in the history of the National Football League has played in more postseason games in one decade. The Cowboys of the 1990s? 16 games. The 1980s 49ers? 17 games. The 1970s Steelers? 17 games. The Eagles will set a single-decade record with 18 postseason games if they win on Sunday.
7. Defense wins games
Defense wins championships. The Eagles’ defense has been the hottest in the NFL over the past six games. They’ve allowed four offensive touchdowns in their past six games. In that same span, the defense has contributed four touchdowns, and missed a fifth by one yard against the Giants last Sunday.
8. David Akers
He is the hottest kicker in the NFL right now. After a dismal start to the 2008 season, Akers rebounded to set an Eagles’ single-season record for field goals made and points scored.
His 51-yard field goal against the Vikings set a team postseason record, and he has a current streak of 18 consecutive postseason field goals without a miss, an NFL record.
9. Confidence
The Eagles are the hottest team in the National Football League—so hot, that they beat the Vikings and the Giants by 12 points each, without their offense clicking during most of the games. They have won six of their past seven games, including two straight on the road.
This team was counted out and left for dead just six weeks ago. Now they’re one win away from a second Super Bowl in the last five years.
10. Kurt Warner
The two-time MVP quarterback has always struggled against Jim Johnson’s defense. In five games, his team has won two games and lost three. Warner has thrown seven touchdowns and seven interceptions, mediocre statistics at best. The immobile Warner will be heavily pressured by the Eagles’ powerful defensive line all game.
11. Donovan McNabb
The five-time Pro Bowl quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles should have won Comeback Player of the Year. He is playing with a chip on his shoulder. McNabb is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time to not win a Super Bowl.
He has done more with less over the past ten years than any quarterback in the National Football League. Here’s my favorite Donovan McNabb fact: In his last five full seasons, he has led the Eagles to five NFC championship game appearances.
12. The Phillies
You think the city’s baseball team winning the World Series has nothing to do with the success of the Eagles? Wrong. Philadelphia had a history of losing over the past quarter century. It took 25 dedicated ballplayers to break one of professional sports’ most famous curses, and the Eagles desperately want to join the Phillies as the toast of the town.
13. Teamwork
All 22 starting players, plus most of the backups, have contributed to the Eagles playoff run. Every game has a new hero. Chris Clemons. Jason Avant. Victor Abiamiri. Kyle Eckel. David Akers. Quintin Mikell.
If the offense has a bad game, the defense takes over. If the defense struggles, the offense dominates. This team is anything but one-dimensional.
14. Are the Cardinals really this good?
The Philadelphia Eagles are superior in virtually every category. No matter which way you compare the teams, Philly comes out on top. There’s a reason the Eagles are favored, despite playing on the road. They ranked fourth in the NFL in point differential during the regular season (+127). The Cardinals ranked 18th in point differential (+1).
The Eagles dismantled the Cardinals during the regular season, 48-20. They have outscored their opponents by an average of 15 points per game over the last seven games, despite playing opponents with a combined record of 60-37. They have been in the postseason seven times in the past decade and are desperate for football’s ultimate prize.
15. Heart
This team is on a mission. Donovan McNabb is 32 years old. Brian Westbrook will be 30 years old next season. Tackles Tra Thomas and Jon Runyan might not be back next season. And Brian Dawkins is considering retirement following the season.
The nucleus of this football team has been around for years, longer than most teams. They’ve seen failures year after year after year. They were left for dead just six weeks ago, with the future of their head coach and quarterback in jeopardy. Now they have risen from the ashes.They’ve destroyed every team in their path and they’re not going to stop until they reach the ultimate goal: the Lombardi Trophy.
Blue and White Mid-season Awards
January 14, 2009
Coming into this season, there were not a lot of expectations for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Now that I think about it, the only real expectation was that the Toronto Maple Leafs were going to shoot for the first pick overall in this years draft and grab John Tavares.
But, with that now a far dream, all we can now hope for is that the team does badly enough where we fall into the top five and stay there. Which we are currently at right now.
But until then, we have to handout awards to these players because they have worked hard and deserve them.
Who will win the coveted Dougy Gilmour award? Or who will receive the Aki Berg Award?
Guess you will have to see and find out.
Vernon Wells traded
January 14, 2009
Toronto -
Breaking news from new Toronto Blue Jays General Manager Joshua Murray.
Vernon Wells has been traded to the Texas Rangers for All-Star Short Stop Michael Young.
Young had previously requested a trade from the Rangers because the club wanted him to move from his natural position to Third base. The Blue Jays will be able to plug Young into the everyday line-up at short and use Marco Scutaro as a utility man.
The move also sheds some of the payroll that ownership in Toronto has been fretting over during the current economic climate. Wells is entering the 3rd year of his 7 year, 126 million dollar contract, while Young is beginning a 5 year contract extension worth 80 million dollars.
There is no official word what this change will do to the batting order in Toronto as rumours still swirl with regards to Scott Rolan and Lyle Overbay. But Young is a capable hitter and should fit well around Adam Lind, Aaron Hill and Alex Rios.
During today’s announcement GM Murray said “Bringing Michael Young back to the Blue Jays is a happy moment for me. I’m glad to begin my legacy with such a grand move”
He also added “While we are sad to see Vernon go, but sometimes to make big steps up you have to make big changes”
Big changes indeed. Some believe that a move to Texas will be perfect for Wells who will get to spend more time near his home and family.
It’s only January, and pitchers and catchers are still a few weeks away from reporting to Spring Training. But at least for now, there’s buzz in Toronto about baseball. And this writer likes it
If They Weren’t Jocks: Brian Burke As a Toddler
January 14, 2009
Welcome to my series entitled “If They Weren’t Jocks,” a look at what sports personalities would be doing if they weren’t doing sports.
Enjoy…
Brian Burke as a Toddler
(Excerpt from Little Burkey’s Diary)
Janury 13, 2009
This morning my fone rang very aerly. It was Bobby from acros the street. He sed he wonts to trade his GI Jo akshin figger for my Tikel Me Elmo doll. I sed to him, “have you lost your fukin mind Bobs? Your ratty GI Jo is over the hill an my Elmo is just reeching his prime. Call me wen you aint trying to pedal yor old shit, I wasnt borne yesterday you know? I’m two an a haf alraedy”. I hanged up on the insulting basturd. No sooner than my fone rang again. It was that iritating Nancy who rites the sandlot newsleter. She wonted too know how I was making out in the new nayborhood, if I had maed any frends yet? I yelld “No koment”, calld her a nosy bich, an hanged up on her skiny ass too. Why cant peeple just leav me alone, dont they know I’v got daiper loads of wirk to do?
After my nap and a snak maed by my momy, i disided to visit Bobby and prepose to him a dael I’v bin wirking on for sum time. He sed his fokes lost there jobs coz of the krapy iconomy an that he needs the hard kold. I told him i woz ewere of his sichuashun an that i had a dael for him. “Lets stop fukin a round, Bobs” I sez, “I traed you all my toys for all off yors, plus my pickel jar ful off penis”. He sed “Deal, my pops has a morgidge and he sed he needs all the penis he can get.” So we traeded evrythink for evrythink plus my penis. Bobby just got hozed. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
(Dedicated to Miah D.)
Apologies to Mr. Burke and Mr. Gainey - No offense was intended.
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